So today might sound pretty boring from the outside, but it
was one of those days of a great deal of personal productivity.
This week is midterms and I have three coming up; Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday. My first is “Literature and Place” which is a two hour in
class essay. Tuesday’s is my City University Psych course exam which has me
most worried. Wednesday is Shakespeare, which I am probably least concerned
about. The midterms for my other two classes happen to be essays which aren’t
due until next week (and fairly short ones at that, so I’m not worried).This
Psych course though has me quite concerned; it’s not that I don’t understand
all we’ve covered, because I do, so much as it is ensuring that I remember the names of all the processes and parts –
it’s just about remembering what everything is called. That’s part of the
reason tests frustrate me so much; because I can understand the whole thing,
yet if I mix up names or forget what something is called, I get it wrong. For
me, it doesn’t do justice to the actual knowledge I have. So I have been
studying that today, and will probably be doing so late into the night. I also
met with Alyssa and we spent two hours thumbing through the Shakespeare plays
we’ve read, marking quotes to use in the exam (thankfully it’s open book) and
re-familiarizing ourselves with themes and characters.
When I was not studying, I spent the rest of the day
primarily on Spotify, discovering new music through the Radio option which I
recently discovered the value of. Not surprisingly, I found some new music that
I enjoyed. One song in particular kind of stuck out to me and I played that on
repeat for a while listening to the lyrics and the guitar individually; both of
which I loved. The song is called “Ugly” by The Exies – a band I had not
previously heard of. I then proceeded to
find Tabs and a Youtube video and spent several hours learning how to play the
entire song on my own guitar. I played until my left wrist ached and the side of my right thumb turned black from the strings. But it was worth it, because that meant I not only finished learning how to play Three Days Grace' "I Hate Everything About You" but I also learned another entire song within the same day (and one I had only heard for the first time today, at that!).
If you’re interested, the lyrics are as follows,
along with a link to the song itself:
A liar like me?
A user, a lost soul?
Someone you don’t
know
Money it’s no cure
A Sickness so pure
Are you like me?
Are you ugly?
[Chorus]
We are dirt, we are
alone
You know we're far
from sober!
We are fake, we are
afraid
You know it’s far
from over
We are dirt we are
alone
You know we're far
from sober!
Look closer, are you
like me?
Are you ugly?
Turn a blind eye
Why do I deny?
Medicate me
So I die Happy
A strain of cancer
Chokes the answers
Are you like me?
A liar like me?
[Chorus]
I don’t care, you
don’t care
I’m bitter, you’re
angry.
You don’t care, I
don’t care
You love you, just
like me
I blame you, you
blame me
I’m bitter, you’re
angry.
You don’t care, I don’t
care
You love you, like me
[Chorus]
Are you Ugly?
[X3]
***
It is hard to explain why I find this song relatable; it’s
one that I am glad that I personally found, but which, I would be sad to hear
if someone else also found it relatable. It’s not positive, per say, but I think it says a lot.
And, I keep fumbling for the words here…typing and then
backspacing because it doesn’t sound right, over and over again…
Because this song gives the feel of something that there
just are not words for.
That ugly inner darkness that some of us are far too
familiar with. A darkness that warps your reality and cuts you off from
everyone else. And while it’s as insidious as cancer, too often it goes unnoticed;
either people are apathetic, put off by the outward shield of bitterness, or
they buy the loose and lame lies that cover it up. It would not take much to
look closer, but so few do. This kind of depression makes liars of us. Because
it’s easier to fake it than to explain how you don’t know yourself anymore, how
you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror, how lonely your reality is because it
is so different from those around you, how it is slowly choking the life out of
you but people still think the pain isn’t real and can’t understand why you are
incapable of letting it go, how it is actually addictive and all the addictions
that come with it and how a person can be turned into a user without being
addicted to any actual substances, the disappointment in yourself, sleepless
nights, vanished appetite, crippling fear, the medications that seem like a Band-Aid
placed on the stump of a missing limb, the bitter disillusionment, the
frustration others feel when they don’t understand why you keep yourself
distant, the numb feeling that makes it seem like your soul has dropped down
into some black hole, and the fact that no matter where you are, how much money
you have, or how privileged your life is – there is no escape because you can’t
escape yourself.
When that is your reality, the surface appearance lies. But
underneath;
It’s ugly.
“So look closer,
Are you like me?
Are you ugly?”
Are you ugly?”
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