London: day fourteen

So I am afraid my day has been frightfully boring, and I really have nothing of consequence to relay to you all. I had class this morning (Shakespeare) which went perfectly, I came back to NIDO and relaxed for a little while, pulled together a grocery list, did a little writing, stopped by Waterstones to pick up a class book, went to Sainsbury’s for groceries on the way back and that was pretty much it. And the one unusual thing that happened was that I had to do some self-dentistry work; I have this little metal bar on the back of my bottom teeth that the orthodontist put on after I got my braces off. He said to leave it for as long as I could, but after a year or so, I could opt to have it taken off if desired, or leave it. Well one side of it popped off today and was trying to stab me in the mouth, so, not wanting to bother trying to find a dentist here as well as examining it and finding out that it was nothing more than a little spot of glue holding the other side on, I took my pliers and carefully tugged on it for a bit; it came off easily and the problem was resolved. But that was the only interesting thing that actually happened. I didn’t hang out with anyone today, but I did enjoy the walks to all the aforementioned places as the weather was good. My evening will 

consist of homework, and probably, eventually some dinner…

I guess it was just one of those days where even though nothing of seemingly consequence is happening in the physical world, necessary things are getting done, but any interesting parts of the day are of an introverted nature. I don’t know how or if many others find that familiar. But as for myself, I know that at times I have a rather over-active mind that can easily runaway with me at times; for better and for worse. There’s always something going on inside, even if perfectly still in outward appearance.  And that largely goes unexpressed until I can lay pen to paper. But even then, most is kept private. So today was one of those kind of days.

However, I do want to ramble for a little while on one of my trains of thought that I have been pursuing for a while (frequent occurrence, just seldom published to the public):

Last week in my British Youth Culture class, my professor told us an interesting statistic; that according to the latest numbers, about fifty to fifty-one percent of Americans attend church, but those numbers in Britain – ten percent and falling. London is one of the most secular cities in the world, despite its extensive history with the church. My professor then held up a ten pound bill and asked us to look at the face which appeared on the piece of currency; Charles Darwin. He then asked us, “if the United States decided to replace the phrase ‘In God We Trust’ on your currency with a picture of Darwin, what do you think would happen?” The class’s answering grimaces and short scoffing laughs were a sufficient reply. “And yet, that is what we have. If this happened in the States, you can imagine the massive opposition that would be encountered. But here in Britain, if you ask anyone on the street what they think of having Darwin’s face on the ten pound note, I 

can tell you right now that…” leans forward, still holding up the bill, “nobody cares.”

Now that has revealed a thread of thought that I have slowly been picking at all week. Lately, I have undergone a rather massive disillusionment with my faith. Or, I guess I shouldn’t say that, it is more like, a disillusionment with the people who represent faith to me. Through my studies I have continually been developing a shorter and shorter tolerance for many of the Christian clichés and reasoning. I am all too aware that in many regards, I do not hold a view on Scripture and the Christian life laws which constitutes the majority of Christian views. And I know that has potential to set me apart even from my own community. But frankly, right now, I’ve kind of been enjoying the holiday anyway. And by this, I do not mean Lighthouse, as they are one of the few communities which I have found that consists of people like me; no, I mean the name “Christian” itself. I am tired of being judged by my faith, I am tired of people jumping to conclusions if they happen to find out about my faith, I am tired of being the “stupid, homophobic, judgmental, damning Christian who needs faith because supposedly I cannot deal with the realities of life.”  I am tired of the “gays vs. Christians debate” (a title that still makes me feel sick when hearing it). I am tired of constantly having to defend my views. And I am tired of having to say, “Yes, I am Christian, but not like what you are thinking…” I tried to fit into a church community, I tried hard to be better and change myself because I believed that I was bad and wrong; I tried to carve off parts of my identity because I believed them sinful. Lighthouse, thankfully, has helped mend some of that, but I still have major doubts and questions that have arisen because of recent events with my family, my break up, and my break downs. I am disillusioned with many people. I am a pessimist. And I have a hard time believing that God even gives a damn – we are so infinitely small in this vast Universe that I just fail to see that there is an actual being out there somewhere that is orchestrating the whole things as well as simultaneously catering to our every need. I don’t know what I am. I’ve been disappointed in people lately, and that has translated itself into a question of faith.

 I don’t think I would believe in God if it wasn’t for the positive influence of people and the support and community they bring. However, simultaneously, I have a hard time believing in God for the same reason, because people do a lot of damage to one another, often without care or consideration.

So, being away from some of those pressures, assumptions, debates, and discussions has helped me to boil down the root of some of my inner struggle as pretty well summed up in the previous statement. I need some space, spiritually, right now, and again, London has been the perfect place to bring me the refreshment I need. Here, there are so many different kinds of people, that everyone just accepts everyone as they come; all equally worthy of being polite to, helpful if they can be. People are both interesting and interested to and in one another. There are few massive debates, and from what experience I’ve had so far, for the most part people try to accept one another at face value – as an individual, and not as a generalized group.

“Nobody cares.”

I have actually never been so glad to hear those words. Because I am tired of caring too much, tired of always being on edge, ready to defend myself at any given moment, tired of trying not to offend, tired of having my community judged based on my actions and having that pressure, tired of being lumped into a group of people that I often do not agree with, tired of sitting in church feeling disillusioned and cynical because I hold a different view on my faith and because I have big questions. So I plan to take the break. And please be aware that this is just a rambling of thought, one that has plagued me for a while but which has arisen again, and won’t be over for a while. I am not proposing anything here, trying to change anything, or accusing anyone. I am only saying that I am tired of the pressures my faith has put on me while in the States, and I am grateful for the break from it.

UPDATE: literally, a minute after posting this, I found a comment on one of my other, previous blog posts by a person I do not know who posted without permission that one MUST be baptized in order to be saved. He cited random, cherry-picked bits of scripture and thought that if he TYPED IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS that it would make his comment less obnoxious and would inspire people. Please don't do that...just don't...it doesn't help.