London: day sixteen

Hey guys, keeping this one really short tonight because I have some catching up to do on some of my other writings – been working on a volume of poetry, trying to write one every day during my time here, but I’m two days behind, and I can’t let myself slack off. Anyway, today wasn’t super eventful. I went to class and it went well, still a little unsure about this professor, though I do like the reading so far. We just discussed two short stories we read: “The Dead” by James Joyce and “The Lieutenant Died Last” by Graeme Greene. Both are good reads and I think I grasped the concepts and themes well.

I often joke and sometimes feel rather cynical about my choice to pursue an degree in English; there’s part of me that I suppose finds it a little cruelly ironic that all my true talents – artist, writer, poet, and so on – are all collectively very difficult fields to make any sort of living in. I cannot tell you how many times people have joked with me, saying, “Oh, you’re going to be poor!” or “I hope you don’t mind poverty!” Usually with a smile, like that’s going to make the snide comment go over any better. And if it is not that, the most typical response is, “Oh okay, so you want to teach?” Well, no not really, I never said anything that indicated I wanted to teach – I have no interest in teaching. But people assume that because they believe teaching to be the only option I have to maintain a steady income – money is the first thought.  But truth be told, money is not the first thing I think of when I think about my studies. It’s actually quite far from the front of my mind, and frankly, I don’t know what I will end up doing. But, even though I joke, and say “Why couldn’t I have been talented in mathematics, science, business, or technology; why did it have to be art and writing? All the jobs are in those other fields,” really though, I do feel very confident in my choice of study. I am talented. I am good at it. And generally, my foremost thought is that I want to be better. All I want is to keep learning and honing these skills which I have discovered. I don’t know what that means career-wise – being an editor or publisher of some sort may be interesting, and is an idea that attracts me, however, I am more interested in seeing how much better I can get and letting that take me wherever it will.

I am not the person I was at the beginning of this year, and I know I won’t be the same person when I get back from England. There is a lot that has changed in a very, very short amount of time, and there are, honestly, some big things that I am questioning right now. It doesn’t only end with my faith, I don’t know whether or not I am cut out to be a parent, I don’t know if I am cut out to be a wife – that’s the honesty of it, and I genuinely don’t know. There used to be no doubt in my mind, and people still assert that I haven’t changed that much – but I’m not so certain. I do know that my writing and art IS something that I can throw myself whole bodily into, and in doing so, strive to leave my own dent on the literary world. I could do that. I could try and be great. But the more I learn about the lives of other great authors and artists, the more I realize just how much they do give up when they choose that life. They are remembered, certainly. But sometimes it seems as though one can either be remembered or content – but not both. Granted my sampling may be skewed. I am also a pessimist, always have been, always will be.

My main point is that I enjoy what I do very, very much and I genuinely do not care whether or not it will buy me a comfortable life. I may even be completely willing to forego comfort altogether. But I also trip myself up with uncertainty, and constantly hold back out of hesitation. I really, honestly, genuinely don’t know what they hell I’m doing with my life right now. And it’s really frustrating. So, at the moment, I’m just trying to be as present as I can be while I’m here in England, and I am enjoying having the opportunity to study something I love deeply, in a foreign and altogether wonderful city.

As for the rest of the actual day, Tula and I got some lunch/dinner and I headed back to NIDO. Since, I’ve been simply working on some paperwork and just messing around online. Later, Tula and I will probably end up watching Sherlock. Before then though I have to get my poems written, so I’ll be back tomorrow!